Spoilers Save Time

(Lawrentian, published Apr. 6, 2009)


As a fellow Lawrentian, I know the importance of good time management. Since spring is finally approaching, I also understand that the sunny Main Hall green will become increasingly appealing. This leaves very little time to hunker down in front of a television for two hours. Allow me to provide you with a brief overview of some blockbusters that you undoubtedly will miss while sunning yourself.

I know that there are a number of you who still receive shocked gasps from friends when they hear that you have never seen “Fight Club.” You probably put the film on your to-see list, but every time you think about watching it, you hesitate and cringe at the thought of so much graphic violence. I understand; I used to be one of you.

Any movie-goer knows that the film hosts gay undertones. The sexual tension between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is all too palpable even within the first 20 minutes. But it is a truly unexpected twist when we learn that Norton and Pitt are really fraternal twins, separated at birth. Now you have the satisfaction of knowing the big twist without sitting through all the bloody fights.

Perhaps another movie that has long sat on your to-see list is “The Sixth Sense,” which has arguably the most shocking ending of any film. No doubt you have been waiting for just the right opportunity to watch something with such high intensity. Wait in suspense no longer: the twist is that Haley Joel Osment is really an ulterior personality of Bruce Willis, created to offset his overwhelming loneliness. Yes, it is truly shocking to realize that these two characters were the same person all along.

I bet several friends were simply appalled to discover that you still have not seen the critically acclaimed “High School Musical 3.” True, the previews bill the film as complete fluff. However, it actually provides touching insight into the lives of American teens. I think we all shed a tear when Ashley Tisdale’s character is disowned by family and friends due to a teen pregnancy. And who is not shocked to learn that Zac Efron is gay?

I strongly encourage you to set aside time to view this piece of cinema history. However, if you decide that the film is not worth the time, at least you know the gist of the film and will understand some of the inside jokes popularly circulating among your friends.

In the coming months, I also expect there to be a lot of buzz about “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” Instead of waiting until July 17, allow me to alleviate the tension. Due to budget cuts and the desire to finish the series while all of the actors are still of appropriate age, Warner Bros has decided to kill Harry Potter in this film, ending the series without producing the seventh. Audiences will further learn that Dumbledore is the scorned lover of Lord Voldemort.

Now that you know the end of these films, there is no need to waste your time viewing them. Thus your only worry will be what to do with all your newfound free time. Now you can indulge that craving to screen “The Land Before Time 37.” Or you can return, guilt-free, to viewing old episodes of Spongebob Squarepants in German on You Tube. No need to thank me for providing you with the fundamental knowledge you need to stay hip on the staples of our pop culture.



Note: This entry was printed as part of the April Fool's edition of the Lawrentian. These are not actual spoilers.